The gift of being loved by a wild(hearted) being

and the lesson of the fragility of life

(TW: Passing of a beloved pet)

On the evening of Thursday 13th April, I laid my head right next to my girls on an examination table, cheek to cheek, ear to ear, my eyes were closed and streaming, hers were open and held that cartoon-like adoration she would get when content. I listened to her purr her love to me as a vet dispensed the medication to help her leave this mortal existence. I spoke my love back to her, told her about how brave and beautiful and wild she was, and I listened hard as the purring slowed, and then stopped, my heart breaking along with it. And just like that she was gone. My little wild-hearted beast, who grew up in comfort and with a belly always full, but who hunted like a tiger the crickets and wood roaches and tiny skinks that were silly enough to find themselves inside with her. She was terrified of storms, utterly terrified of those great grumbles in the sky. But she would fiercely throw herself at the door or window should another cat dare to come into my yard. She played fetch, for as long as she wanted to at least (I have never had a cat do that!)), but would also often choose to ignore her name if she was called. She was soft and hard, wild and tamed (though forever untamed), ridiculously annoying and impossibly sweet, and she was my girl alone, barely deigning to allow others to interact with her. She wore distinct purrs for different occasions, but the one I heard most, and the one I heard on Thursday night, was one of contented, reciprocal love.

I am not new to having to make that incredibly hard but ultimately compassionate decision for one of the other-than-human beings I get to call my kin, and it is always a heartbreak. But with Sage, perhaps because I had to care for her so intimately and constantly over the last 4 months of her cage confinement, perhaps because she held a little more wild in her heart than some of the others, perhaps because she stretched my relationship to love and compassion in so many ways from the literal day she was born, this passing has been so difficult for me personally. But with difficulty is opportunity, even if that is hard to grapple with in this hard moment. Opportunity to learn - about myself and life. Opportunity to grow - in love and compassion and tolerance. Opportunity to embody - to feel all these crappy feelings, to be more physical with emotions, to set that wild heart of mine free.

Being loved by a wild(hearted) being is such a gift, and it deepens my reverence for and relationship to all of our other wild kin. 

That a wild cockie and I share eye-to-eye contact as they ask, very nicely, for some more seeds please, is a gift (I see you wild being, I honour this fleeting connection, and I celebrate you). That a water-hen looks at me and runs pell-mell to the watershed to get away, is a gift (I see you wild being, I honour this fleeting connection, and I celebrate you). That I make eye contact with and croon reassuringly as I rescue the little skink who found their way into my bathroom (though my Sage is no longer their greatest threat), is a gift (I see you wild being, I honour this fleeting connection, and I celebrate you). 

Little gifts. 

Little miracles.

At the end of 2019 two people I was so very close to passed away within a fortnight of each other, and I was reminded (hit over the head with) the fragility of life. It was a catalyst to eventually leaving my day job, and pursuing a life as a full time creative. I had a very specific vision in mind for what I wanted this next phase of my life to look like, and I have failed a little (or  a lot). Where I wanted days filled with “slow” and “grounded” and “purposeful”, like the good wee cog-in-the-machine I am, I still managed to make most days full of hustle, scarcity, and perfectionism. And perhaps that was the biggest lesson of the last 4 months - all of that was exceedingly difficult to keep doing (even as I knew it wasn’t working) when I had a little caged beast that needed medicating, cleaning, caring for, never ending vet appointments, and constant reassuring. There were days when I was at the end of my tether - but now I see that tether was in fact shackles I had put on myself, and fastened extra tight…for no reason other than habit and entrenched nonsense. That Sage could show me the same love, the same delighted, contented, deeply happy purr as she was passing as when she sat curled on my lap on the lounge? Oh my heart. The fragility of life - the non-negotiable impermanence.

I am reminded that what is important is the original intention behind this work, providing a structure for self compassion that enables me to share with genuine, consistent, generosity. To do that, to share, I need you, my community, to share it with.

No more scarcity thoughts or trying to hustle my way into thriving, while shackling myself to those embedded industrial-world norms.

Sara Tasker (

Entre Nous

) recently posted a quote in a course of hers I am in, by Brené Brown

“If you have no tolerance for failing you will create nothing new”.

And so I am creating something new out of the struggle, the little personal failings, that has been this year, 2023.

I am turning paid subscriptions on here in Substack, and inviting those of you who would like to read, see, or hear some exclusive content from me to come on over.

I might start a little slow, but once the ball is rolling, I know we can build a thriving community together. (Thank you to those of you who already pledged support!)

My hope is that my writings, a few videos where I chat and show my current works in progress (and perhaps a podcast!), and some other wee delights as I conjure them, will bring a little light into your day, and inspire your wild heart. A yearly subscription is only $7(USD) a month, or a discounted $70/year (USD). You will be buying me a cup of tea and a punnet of strawberries once a month, the fuel I need to keep going - and you will get a whole bunch of exclusive content and so much gratitude. 

There is also a Founding Member option of $240(USD) a year. Founding members are those that have a little more to give, who want to support my creative journey and ensure I can continue to provide as much free content as possible still too. Founding members also get to choose an 8x10inch limited edition print from my shop, as a special thank you gift. 

A paid subscription here on Substack is perfect for those who want to stay in close contact, be a part of new projects and paintings, and offer a patronage of the arts. It won’t be a teaching platform, so no tutorials (though there is something separate cooking for those of you wanting that sort of content - to be announced soon!), but you will get exclusive insights into my process, including watching me work.

Building this space feels so important to me right now. I love to write, and I want to do more of that. I love to share with you, and I want to do more of that too, but Instagram is all but impossible of late, and my usual studio missive goes out and I don’t get to chat with you about the content, or what it brings up for you.

We can do that here. 

I will still be doing two free posts a month, so please don’t think that if you are unable to sign up to the paid subscription you will miss connecting with me - I see you, and I thank you so much for being here too. If you are signed up for my studio missives (and if you aren’t and would like to be, you can do that here!), you will still get occasional emails from me there too, when I have new works available, and new additions to THE SECRET SHOP, though I will be talking about the making of these things over here.

For all of your very kind words and incredible support of Sage and myself on this journey (that ended in the worst possible way for my heart) I thank you, I thank you, and I thank you. You have all been the most beautiful reminder that connection and community is so important, one of the reasons I do what I do. 

I felt your embrace, and I know that Sage did too.

If you have a little wild(hearted) beast that you share your world with, give them some extra love from me today.