All around this computer in front of me are quotes and suggestions and advice about grounding myself, finding my way, staying the path. Like most humans, I felt them deeply when I wrote them, when I pinned them to the boards next to the monitor or even taped them to the monitor itself (now THEY are the most important ones), but then I stop seeing them. On occasion one will catch my eye and I read it anew like I had never seen it before, and think yes! That is the key! and then forget all about it again.
Do you do something similar?
I am still in a wee bit of an existential crisis, you know, nothing major. A couple of things I had hoped would pan out haven't, and I have been unwell thanks to a chronic illness and chronic stress, and the metaphorical wind has knocked the winds out of my metaphorical sails, as it were. This morning, in the depths of Dickensian despair, the autumn light through murraya leaves hit this note I made to myself some time ago:
“I choose to live an extraordinary life of beauty and wonder, of curiosity and compassion, of endless creativity and deep connection to this vibrant Earth. I choose happiness”
I truly felt this at the time I wrote it, and I am glad I wrote it for mornings like these. Because ultimately, I can choose how I react to a situation, even if it is really crappy (without gas-lighting myself either). I can get curious - in the same way that I get curious about wings growing from my shoulder blades as I paint an avian friend. I can ask “what if” to spark inspiration or consideration or to disrupt a spiralling narrative.
Holy curiosity is a nurturing of intentional wonder, an exploration of possibility or potentiality - where questioning opens up compassion, mindfulness, kindness, and yes, reciprocity.
“Never lose a holy curiosity. Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value. He is considered successful in our day who gets more out of life than he puts in. But a man of value will give more than he receives.”
- Albert Einstein
So this morning, with the autumn sunlight streaming across my keyboard, I am applying curiosity to help pull me out of doldrums and defeat. I want to embody more holy curiosity, a reverence and veneration for the act - curiosity for curiosity's purpose alone, without an expected outcome. A true following of the white rabbit down that magical rabbit hole. I know what my passions are, and I know what I want to give to this world. I know what core tenets inform my way of being, and I understand how they do not mesh with conventional capitalist/industrial/patriarchal/western entrenched systems in which I am rooted, albeit reluctantly at times (a lot of times). I know a lot of my disappointment about the things I had hoped would work comes from that entrenched thinking, expected results that conform to what we think of as ‘success’ in a world that values productivity and product above all else. I know how entrenched I have been in that system for my entire adult life, and how hard it has been to think that perhaps there is a better way, a kinder way, a way that values process and progression in a non-linear way, that values joy and wonder over fatigue and business. And I know it is ok to feel disappointed (even while wanting to rage about what a dumpster fire this year has been for me personally).
But I can also give myself permission to be curious about ‘dropping the storyline’, changing what my thoughts and feelings are to a simple, observational fact - not to necessarily see everything as glass half full, or to reactively but disingenuously “positive-wash”, but to ask “what else might be true”. And to not be afraid to try. Without being an expert or perfect at it or a thousand hours of research behind it. Which is a bit (very) scary for me.
I will be returning to my Fleur+Fauna theme for the year soon. I have been staring at the pieces I started earlier in the year for so long now that I have lost my connection to them. With the grief and stress of these last 4 months, I am feeling a little disconnected to my process, my ability, and my joy altogether, if I am being honest. I am looking for a way to re-spark my inspiration and my deep belief that this is the way that I can contribute to a compassionate, connected, world of wonder and awe - through holy curiosity, and sharing that with you.
So May, a month dear to my heart (ahem, birthday month) is going to be about trying, playing, learning, and doing without overthinking. I will give myself permission to experience profound wonder at my passions and creativity, be curious about my strengths and weaknesses, to choose extraordinariness and happiness, to learn and to “to taste life twice,” as Anais Nin wrote. Will you come along for the ride with me? I hope so. I want to do this together!
Throughout May I will be painting a series of mini originals, May-mini’s, or Mini-May? The intention is to move my way through the unhealthy perfectionism that is holding me back, and nestle deep into the act of witnessing, honouring, and portraying wildlife. I don’t want to say exactly how many I will do, because I don’t want to disappoint myself (or you) if something happens to derail the project, but the intention is pure. I am going to complete these babies in one sitting each, Alla Prima. They will be oil paintings, on 6x6 inch cradled board, and I think I am going to focus on finches and other small birds. Aaaannnd, I am going to stream them as I create, in a couple of places probably, but I will definitely find a way for us to connect here as well. Not the whole thing, I imagine each one will take me around four to five hours, but I will pop on for a half hour or so (I think it will need to be via zoom for this platform). You will get to see the ugly stages, and how I move forward through them (sometimes with wavering courage!)
Now, I am hoping to start Monday, but I am waiting for the mini panels to arrive, I had hoped they would be here yesterday, and now today is Friday, so it may not be until later next week. Once I have them I will set up a schedule of where you can see me painting them in real time, and where you can access the recordings.
Each painting will be up for grabs on that day, though being oil paintings they wont ship out to you for a few weeks - the paint needs to cure enough to be varnished, and then the varnish dry enough to be wrapped with loving hands. They will be $275 each, plus postage. I will give you a heads up of what I am painting the next few days ahead, and if you would like to put your hand up to purchase a painting before I have even made it to ensure it is yours, you can do that too. They will be in classical realist style, because that is what lights me up, and I know they are going to look incredible as a tiny delight, made just for you.
Today though, I need your help deciding which reference to paint first (knowing that I will get to each of them eventually). Note that the backgrounds will be different to the reference, so choose the little bird that most speaks to you!
Let me know what should come first!
Until then, I will be back on Sunday with a scribble from my wild sketchbook - this time a rose. More about that then though…
Nxx
I think the hardest part of moving through periods of discomfort of any kind - physical, emotional, or mental - is to observe it and let whatever it is pass through. Sometimes all of our wisdom gets in the way of that. It is so incredibly uncomfortable to feel unwell. Or financially unstable (especially if there's a lot of Taurus in your chart!) But we know in our hearts that nothing lasts forever, and in the end, these dark nights of the soul never fail to enrich our lives. Much love and healing to you, Natalie. Your writing and your art are gifts to the world. xo
I love that quote, thanks for sharing!! I also love how gentle and inspiring your plan for May is, looking forward to following along